Cultivating Confidence Part 1: Overcoming Old Self-Beliefs & Loving the Skin You’re In

A chuckle and something like, “Aw, no wonder you’re so nice!” is a common response when someone sees an old photo of me.

I mean… really, who looked great at age 12-15? There were those select few who seemed to skip the awkward stage. I, for one, was not part of that elite group. Though, I’ll tell you I’m thankful for it now because it built character and helped shape me into who I am.

How the Insecurities Were Born

As with many teens, my biggest struggle was skin. I had breakouts pretty bad. Like, to the point where Proactiv wasn’t effective at all and I regularly saw a dermatologist. It didn’t clear up until I was about 15 when I finally used Accutane.

On top of that, I’ve always been tall. I’ve literally been 5’8” since I was 14-years-old. I love being this height now, but back then? The worst! As kids do, I shot up quickly so I was skinny and lanky. I was taller than all the boys. I remember my friend talking about me to a boy I liked in middle school and him saying, “No way, she’s too tall.” Ouch! Stupid middle school stuff, but hey, you’re impressionable at that age and that’s when a lot of your self-beliefs form.

Bad skin, tall and lanky, paired with braces. Yeah, I had no idea how to rock that so I was riddled with insecurities. Though I was generally well-liked and had good friends, I wasn’t immune to getting picked on. People make comments that stick with you; that reaffirm the negative beliefs you hold about yourself. If someone else says it, you think, it must be true.

In 10th grade, we were learning a dance routine for an upcoming choir concert. I was self-conscious of my dancing so I tried to blend in in the back row. As we got to a part where we put our hands in the air, my teacher called out, “look how long Alissa’s arms are!”.

I don’t think she was intending to be mean, but to a girl that’s already feeling uncomfortable in her own skin, I wanted to sink into the ground.

When I was about 14, I was on a boating trip with my family and our family friends. It was a Friday night and I was sitting at the bonfire with everyone when my cell phone rang from a private number. As I walked away to answer, I could tell the voice on the other end belonged to a boy and his words were muffled.

Of course, my 14-year-old self got excited, hoping it was a boy I liked calling.

I set my cell phone down on this picnic table and put it on speakerphone so I could hear what he was saying. “Aaaaaacne, aaaaaacne, aaaacne.” He kept repeating. There was laughter in the background. I knew exactly who it was. These boys in my grade who always gave me a hard time. I ended the phone call as quickly as I could, feeling so ashamed and hoping no one at the bonfire heard it.

My heart hurts recounting that story because I was the same person inside then as I am now. I didn’t deserve to be talked to that way. I was a kind, sweet, smart girl who couldn’t help that she was dealing with acne! But at the time I thought, if only I could get rid of my acne and be prettier, then my life would be perfect. I tried harder to cover up my breakouts with makeup; I used tanning beds; I shopped all the time to have the best clothes; I was a total people pleaser. Anything to make people like me.

Holding Onto the Past

Even after I got the braces off, cleared up my acne, and grew into my height, I struggled a lot with confidence.

Just because someone looks like they have it together on the outside, doesn’t mean they feel it on the inside. I may have changed externally, but internally I still felt like that same awkward girl. I harbored a lot of pain and negative beliefs about myself.

My lack of confidence caused me to have a lower sense of self-worth. I relied on external validation to determine my worthiness. I wanted everyone to like me, always. I constantly compared myself. I allowed people to treat me poorly when I should’ve told them to get lost. I turned on myself quickly anytime I made a mistake. I spent way too much time obsessing over my hair and outfit so people would think I looked good.

Can you relate?

I had plenty of people tell me, “you should be more confident!” or “you don’t know how great you are.” Yeah, yeah, whatever. They’re just saying that. I honestly just let it go in one ear and out the other.

I’m just a humble person, I don’t need to believe I’m great.

Actually, I do need to believe I’m great. We all need to believe that about ourselves.

I’ve shared this before, but the turning point for me happened last summer. I was feeling insecure, worrying and stressing over something to Matt. He stopped me in my tracks and told me I needed to be more confident. He was like, “If you would just recognize how great you are and be confident, you’d be so powerful!”.

I hadn’t even thought the way I was acting was due to a lack of confidence. His frustration was so genuine, like how do you not see how special you are?

And I don’t know why hearing I needed to be more confident for the 1,000th time finally clicked. But it did. It stuck with me. I realized that if I was hearing this from so many people, my self-view was totally skewed and I needed to figure it out.

It’s been 8 months since that moment and I’ve noticed such a change in myself. I committed to doing the work to become more confident and it actually helped.

Tips for Boosting Confidence

• Listen to confidence boosting meditations: I listened to the same meditation daily for at least a month straight. It’s a loop of confidence boosting affirmations, that, after I’d heard them enough, made their home in my psyche. When I first started I didn’t know it’d actually help but I truly noticed an improvement in my confidence after just a month.
• Take care of yourself: Taking good care of your body and mind is important for building confidence. That means exercising, eating healthy, having a good skincare routine, and getting plenty of sleep. And, you know, self-care (bubble baths, meditation, face masks, massages). This sends the signal to yourself that you’re worth caring for. Plus, you’ll look and feel better, which creates fertile ground for boosting confidence.
• Carry yourself with confidence:
  • Speak with certainty. Even if you don’t feel sure, sound sure. Instead of being indecisive, apologizing all the time, and second-guessing yourself, be firm in what you say. Understand and believe that what you have to say is valuable, because it is. People will sense that. Adopt Matt’s motto: “often wrong but never in doubt.”
  • Have good posture. Next time you’re walking, take notice of how much you look down at the ground. This is one of the exercises we did at The Bliss Project. If you’re anything like me, you’ll find you’re looking at the ground all the time! Create a habit of looking up when you walk. Shoulders back, head held high. This type of posture signals to others (and yourself) that you’re a person who’s self-assured. Even if you’re not feeling confident, carry yourself as if you are and you’ll notice it eventually comes naturally. As Millard Fuller says, “It is easier to act yourself into a new way of thinking, than it is to think yourself into a new way of acting.”
• Look the part: When I look good, I feel good. I don’t mean obsessing over my appearance. I mean wearing clothes that give me confidence; wearing a color that I know looks good on me; choosing clothes that are flattering. Do you have an outfit that makes you feel like a boss whenever you put it on? Wear that when you need a boost. Personally, my leopard fur jacket does that for me. Enclothed cognition is the theory that what we wear has a psychological affect on us. Below is an excerpt from a Huffington Post article titled “How Clothing Choices Affect and Reflect Your Self-Image”.

Lisa Stariha, The Body Empowerment Coach says it is so important to “Get up, get dressed, and never give up each day.” Stariha, who often works from her home office, knows how comfortable it can be to work in yoga pants and a cozy shirt. But, she says, “to feel more beautiful, confident, and strong, you must change out of the yoga pants and put on clothes that give you power,” just as Wonder Woman went from her Diana Prince uniform to her kick-butt Wonder Woman costume.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-clothing-choices-affect-and-reflect-your-self-image_n_9163992

If you’re interested in learning more about enclothed cognition theory, check out Todd Herman’s episode on the Earn Your Happy podcast where he talks about having an alter ego. It’s so fascinating and powerful! Download the episode here.

These shifts have made an amazing improvement in my confidence. Constantly filling my mind with confidence boosting phrases, taking good care of myself, dressing the part, and consciously carrying myself with confidence have tricked myself into feeling confident. Now it’s no longer a trick; it’s how I really feel.

Stay tuned for Part 2!

With love,

Alissa