“How Do I Look?” Let Go of Your Need for External Validation

Matt’s eyes are glued to the TV as I walk into the living room. Football season has officially begun.

A few seconds pass and he hasn’t acknowledged me yet. Literally, it’s only been seconds but I’m already impatient. I hate doing this, but I do it anyway.

“How do I look?” I ask sheepishly. In this moment, I know I’m fishing for a compliment.

“Aw, you look great, babe!” Matt looks up and smiles.

Relief washes over me. And it’s ridiculous. I’m a little spoiled with Matt because he’s a guy who likes to give compliments. I’ve gotten used to it, so when I don’t get an instant acknowledgment, it makes me wonder, does he not think I’m pretty?

Which is silly. I know this.

It’s caused me to think, why do I need this validation?

You’re Absolutely Beautiful and That’s the Least Interesting Thing About You.

Let me say that again. Your looks are the least interesting thing about you.

Are you friends with your best friend just because you think she’s pretty?

No! You’re friends with her because you think she’s awesome and funny and caring. You’re friends with her because she’s been there for you on your best days and your worst days. She listens to your anxieties, hopes, and dreams.

She’s your girl! You’re not concerned with how flawless her skin is or if she has stretch marks or frizzy hair. You care about the beautiful person that’s inside.

That’s why people like you, too. Because of your kind heart, your quirkiness, your inquisitive mind. The unique traits that make you, you, will be with you for all of your days. Your looks will fade but what’s inside of you will always be there.

And while I say that, I realize it’s natural for us to place importance on our physical appearance. Of course we care! We see ourselves every day in the mirror. Not to mention, we’re wired to compare ourselves to others. We see others; we admire them and wonder how we measure up. We start picking ourselves apart.

This is why the practice of accepting and loving yourself fully is incredibly valuable. When you realize that your identity is so more than just your appearance, you form a deeper bond with yourself. You find an appreciation for your quirks because they’re what make you special.

So, Why Do We Want People to Validate Our Appearance?

Because we’re insecure.

Because it feels good to have someone tell us we’re pretty. Because we want to feel desirable. Because we’re comparing ourselves to so dang many people, we want to know we’re “good enough” too.

I’m not a very good millennial because I just learned what a “thirst trap” was. If you haven’t heard of this lovely term, let me enlighten you. A thirst trap is when someone posts a sexy/provocative photo on social media to get attention and likes.

I’m pretty sure we all know someone who does this.

And while I’m not over here posting provocative pics, I can’t act like I’m above wanting people to validate my appearance.

So, yes. Insecurity.

For me, insecurity about my appearance stems from being made fun of in high school. It was after that experience that I became hungry for people to validate me. My self-worth was derived from the opinions of others.

My lack of confidence caused me to have a lower sense of self-worth. I relied on external validation to determine my worthiness. I wanted everyone to like me, always. I constantly compared myself. I allowed people to treat me poorly when I should’ve told them to get lost. I turned on myself quickly anytime I made a mistake. I spent way too much time obsessing over my hair and outfit so people would think I looked good.

https://lifebyalissa.com/cultivating-confidence-part-1-overcoming-old-self-beliefs-loving-the-skin-youre-in/

Many years have passed and I’ve worked on becoming more confident in myself, but I’m human, and of course the insecurities pop up at times. There’s always a little bit of that awkward, uncertain 14-year-old girl inside who wants someone to tell her she’s pretty.

But, I also know this…

If You Live For the Praise, You Will Die From the Criticism

If you do everything just for external validation. For attention, compliments, “likes”, you’re always going to be grasping for more, more, more. Praise feels good for a few minutes, but if you’re not validating yourself from within, it wears off. If you’re not filling your own cup, you’ll find you’ll always need more praise to fill you back up.

External validation is like a drug. You’ll never get enough of it. You’ll always be looking for that next high of someone’s approval of you.

You’ve got to learn to validate yourself. That’s why the phrase, “You’re absolutely beautiful and that’s the least interesting thing about you”, has really stuck with me and why I’ve repeated it three times now. Because what’s really freaking special about us is what’s inside of us. It can’t be taken away or copied or torn down. And when we feel good about our unique traits, we’re unshakeable.

The people I’m most impressed with, that I really, really admire are women who are unapologetically themselves. They so inspire me. Especially when they’re women who aren’t society’s “standard” of beauty.

Women who fully accept themselves aren’t trying to morph their bodies into what they think other people will like. They wear whatever the hell they want and aren’t asking, “hey, does this look okay?” They own it. They understand there’s more to them than their physical appearance. Their self-love is radiant.

Women who love themselves from the inside out shine a light far brighter than those who ducklip and “thirst trap” their way into Instagram likes. Truly confident women give off a vibe that’s like I don’t care if you like me or not because I like me!

Goals.

Validate Ya’self, My Beautiful Friends

I know it feels good to gain approval from someone we admire. I know it feels great to be complimented. I’m not saying it’s bad or that we shouldn’t enjoy it, I’m just saying, don’t live for it. You’ve got to be able to know those things about yourself without anyone telling you.

Great advice I once heard was this, “Tell yourself what you need to hear. Don’t wait for someone to tell you it.”

You can’t rely on other people to make you feel good enough. You have to know it in your heart or else you’ll never believe it. And if you don’t believe it, you’ll continue to ask for validation. Only you know what you need to hear; tell yourself that.

Shine your light, love your quirks, no apologies.

Shining together,

Alissa