AlissaBe soft. Don’t let the world make you hard. Don’t let the pain make you hate. Don’t let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride in that, even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.
Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
The through line of my life has been that I care “too much”.
I’m uber sensitive. I don’t really play it cool. I’m easily excitable and I show it. I often overextend myself for others. I put my heart and soul into almost everything I do.
I always used to wish that I cared less.
People who give zero f#%&s always intrigued me. The ones who are never afraid to speak their mind, don’t get rattled by someone disliking them, blaze their own path. How do they just not care? I admired longingly while saying yes to helping my friend move and staying late at work to perfect a project for my boss.
I didn’t think it was cool to be someone who gets so invested in everything.
At my previous company, it definitely wasn’t cool. The people who held high positions had an edge about them. They led with aggression and intimidation.
It was almost glorified to be intimidating. Think “Devil Wears Prada”, except they had no business acting that way. Monday mornings after a weekend of poor sales were the worst. Hold onto your sales reports, it’s going to be a bumpy ride! It was like getting cross examined by an attorney. Why were sales so bad? Did we not have enough inventory? Why were we missing size small when I visited the store?
I felt like a kitten surrounded by sharks who were ready to eat me alive.
I’d drive to work those Monday mornings with a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. I figured the only way I’d succeed and move up is if I hardened my soft shell.
Don’t get me wrong, I knew how to put my bossy pants on and I definitely knew how to get stuff done. I was never one to go hide and cry at work (though there’s nothing wrong if that’s you!). But, I always cared deep inside about everything. I always wanted to be nice to people, have friendly emails. It didn’t roll off my back when people were rude to me. I’d talk about it and be frustrated by it.
So, I tried to adopt the I don’t care attitude.
I Don’t Care. Wait, Yes I do.
I tried and tried. I convinced myself I didn’t care. I’d get spoken to harshly at work and it penetrated me deeply. I was filled with injustice. I don’t deserve to be talked to this way! But, I bottled it up inside.
I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care.
A male coworker was super inappropriate toward me. Just be chill. Be one of the guys. Don’t make this some huge deal.
I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care.
I wanted to be this cool, laidback girl so I kept all of those emotions inside which ate me alive. I am, by my very nature, an emotional person. To try repressing all of those feelings was super unhealthy for me. It was unnatural and my body told me so through stomach aches, migraines, hair loss.
I did care. About everything. A lot.
At the end of the day, this experience taught me resilience. Though the environment was toxic for me, I did develop a thicker skin than if I’d just had it easy. An undertone of rudeness or someone’s snotty attitude doesn’t bother me anymore because I came from a place where that was the norm. It taught me to take things less personally.
Does it make it right for people to talk poorly to each other? Absolutely not. And for a workplace to almost glorify that type of behavior? Definitely not okay.
I quit that job with a smile on my face.
In a world where it’s cool to say “I give zero f$%#s!”. To not care, is not me.
What makes me, me is my sensitive and caring nature. It’s my greatest asset; it sets me apart; and what a shame that I ever wanted to hide it.
As explained in my Sensitivity is a Strength post, I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP). This term was coined by Dr. Elaine Aron who also wrote a book called The Highly Sensitive Person. I recommend it if you think this may be you, too.
A highly sensitive person (HSP) experiences the world differently than others. Due to a biological difference that they’re born with, highly sensitive people are more aware of subtleties and process information deeply. This means they tend to be creative, insightful, and empathetic, but it also means they’re more prone than others to stress and overwhelm.
https://highlysensitiverefuge.com/highly-sensitive-person-signs/
Proudly embracing this about myself; learning how to lean into it and use it to my advantage has helped me in so many aspects of my life. I’m stronger now than I ever would’ve been if I’d continued to suppress it.
How Caring Helps Your Career
People want to work with people who care.
Actually caring about the people you’re working with and striving to do what’s good for the TEAM, instead of thinking what’s in it for me?, is a rare and precious trait. We all know those standout employees who are always helping others; doing exceptional work; getting creative; staying late here and there. No complaints, no entitlement. We remember those people because they’re so different. We feel how much they care, you know what I mean?
The greatest leaders are those who understand the strengths of the individuals on their team and look for ways to empower them. They realize they aren’t any good without a solid and happy team. That means taking care of their people; listening; building trust.
Empathetic people are great teammates and leaders because we’re able to anticipate the needs of others. Caring about people is weak? As if! If you ask me, leading a team of people who feel afraid and unhappy is weak. It’s a reflection of the leader themselves.
When you’re able to sense what others need to feel supported; you’re able to make them feel important, seen, and heard. Being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes is a huge strength. Empathetic leaders are able to sense who needs to hear more compliments; who needs space; who works well together; who needs time to vent and feel heard. Understanding all of this helps others to trust you and work well with you.
Caring Creates Vibrancy and Beauty
Being someone who cares a lot, about everything, is a blessing and a curse when it comes to relationships. It’s wonderful because we’re willing to do so much for the ones we love. We aim to please. We’re good at remembering details. We aren’t afraid to be open and vulnerable. Because of our empathetic nature, we’re able to understand the needs of our loved ones. We know how to make people around us feel better.
However, wearing our heart on our sleeve leaves us exposed. More vulnerable. Being sensitive and open-hearted makes it easier to get hurt by small things. When we experience every emotion deeply, pain is going to be a natural byproduct at times. We experience happiness, love, joy at an overwhelming level. Which means we experience pain, sadness, and anxiety deeply, too.
At this point in our relationship, Matt knows to just hand me a tissue if we’re watching anything remotely emotional on TV.
The other day, we were watching an episode of California’s Gold, one of our favorite TV shows. It’s a wholesome show where the host, Huell Howser, visits different places in California. Huell passed away a few years ago from cancer, but seemed like truly the sweetest human being.
Anyway, on this episode of California’s Gold, Huell went skydiving. I immediately got teary eyed because I thought of how incredible it was that this man lived his life to the fullest. Like, how special that he got to experience skydiving before he passed away!
Silently, Matt gave me a pat on the leg and passed me a tissue.
It’s easy to mistake sensitivity for weakness but having the ability to be open with our feelings is an incredible strength. People with soft, kind hearts shine a light for everyone around them. They remind us that it’s human to feel; to get excited; to hurt.
Huell Howser is actually an amazing example of this. He had this childlike quality of getting so excited about everything; he’d exclaim with glee at seeing a cool rock formation or a bed of lady bugs. He enjoyed life’s small joys without concern about “playing it cool.”
And why shouldn’t he? Life is brilliant. Get excited about the sunsets, the smell of spring, or how cute your cat looks when she sleeps. Put your heart into what you do. Let yourself be open and love fully.
Fully experiencing the beautiful highs and lows; the deep emotions, make for a vibrant, brightly colored experience of life. Why would we ever want to dull that down by caring less?
With love,
Alissa
