AlissaUgh, why did I say that? Everyone probably thinks I’m so dumb now.
What am I even doing? I’m nowhere near as smart as these people. I’m out of my league.
These thoughts ran through my head last week on a continuous loop.
Why are we so hard on ourselves?
Kind of a rhetorical question. I know why.
We compare our entire selves — our mess, insecurities, self-doubt, to the “perfect” outer image of others.
It’s a vastly unfair comparison. When we compare ourselves to someone else, we only see their accomplishments; their perceived self-confidence. We aren’t able to see their struggles or self-doubt or the nights they’ve spent crying and wondering what the hell they’re even doing.
And, as I’m sure you’ve heard a million times, “Don’t compare your beginning to someone else’s middle.” Yet, we do. I do. All the time.
So, if I’m being honest, I’ve been in space of insecurity and discomfort lately which is what inspired this post. I’m in a space that makes me question myself and wonder if I’m doing the right thing.
But, because it feels uncomfortable, I also know it’s a space with the potential for massive self-reflection. I’ve done enough work on myself to understand that standing in the uncomfortable moments is exactly where I need to be in order to grow as a person.
Self-Limiting Beliefs Are What Hold Us Back
“I’m not smart enough” is a belief that runs deep for me. As they say in the self-help world, this is a self-limiting belief.
Self-limiting beliefs are assumptions or perceptions that you’ve got about yourself and about the way the world works. These assumptions are “self-limiting” because in some way they’re holding you back from achieving what you are capable of.
https://business.tutsplus.com/tutorials/what-are-self-limiting-beliefs–cms-31607
Understanding what your self-limiting beliefs are is the first step in beginning to overcome them. If you aren’t consciously aware of what’s holding you back, you’ll stay held back because to us, these beliefs are real. We’ll listen to them as if they’re the truth.
“I’m Not Smart Enough”
I started believing I wasn’t smart enough when I was a little kid. My younger brother, Nate, is incredibly smart. When we were growing up, he always excelled in school, especially in math and science. Nowadays, he’s a chemical engineer. Go figure!
I, on the other hand, was always strong in English and was more of a people person. Early on, I adopted the mindset of being the more free-spirited, “less smart” child of the two of us.
For every bit that Nate was great at math and science, my grades reflected the opposite. I knew I could never compare to Nate’s level in math and science so I put in minimal effort. My identity was that I was “less smart” and “not a math or science person”.
I didn’t realize how this belief effected me until I started seeing my holistic doctor, Dr. Gin, a few years ago.
When I went to Dr. Gin, I had severe digestive issues. I was chronically stressed out and anxious. What he found was that I was often stressed because of work. I was comparing myself to my colleagues who I assumed were smarter than me. I constantly questioned myself; I was afraid to speak up; I didn’t trust in my abilities.
Subconsciously, this situation reminded me of my relationship with my brother. I didn’t feel smart enough, therefore, I wasn’t good enough so I totally overworked myself to make up for it.
As a side note, you don’t need a holistic doctor to help you see where your self-limiting beliefs are coming from. Think about the doubts that come to mind when you’re about to try something new. These doubts are coming from your self-limiting beliefs. When you pinpoint a self-limiting belief, think back to when this belief may have formed. Journaling about it helps a lot!
Anyway, I thought I’d worked through this self-limiting belief. But when our beliefs run deep, there are often multiple levels that hide beneath the surface. These painful beliefs often come up when we do something new that we aren’t totally comfortable with.
Beliefs Resurfacing
I started a new role at work about five months ago. This role is numbers-based and analytical. It requires a lot of critical thinking. What I love about it is there’s no exact right or wrong answer.
However, I’m the least experienced person on my new team and frankly, I’m totally intimidated. I’m working with really smart people who ask these detailed, thoughtful questions. The way their minds work seems ions advanced to mine. I often wonder, Will I ever get to their level? Am I kidding myself with this?
Naturally, I’m brought back to my childhood and feeling like the less smart child. I’m working with numbers, when historically, I thought I was bad with them. I’m trying something out of my comfort zone and being faced with my insecurities every day. It’s a humbling experience to say the least.
How Am I Working Through This Self-Limiting Belief?
Well, writing this post is one way I’m working through it. Blogging, journaling, talking to the people in my life. Sometimes just seeing your insecurities written out on paper or saying them aloud takes out some of the sting. It’s almost embarrassing, like really, I think that crap?
In fact, I mentioned my insecurities to my friend at work the other day and she just shook her head, “That’s your limiting belief, Alissa.”
Gotta love when your friends are into personal development too.
Another tool that’s really helping me is questioning my beliefs. I formed the belief that I’m not smart enough when I was like, eight. Maybe even earlier.
A lot has happened since I was 8-years-old. What evidence do I actually have that I’m not smart enough? Just the evidence that my brother did better than me in school? Or the times I heard people praising him for being intelligent?
Neither of those examples are evidence that I, personally, am not smart enough. Instead of comparing myself to my brother (or my smart colleagues), I’m trying to focus on the evidence that I am, indeed, “smart enough”.
- I was an A+ student in my college retail math courses. I love retail math. It actually came natural to me because it’s so practical. Retail math is what I use daily in my job.
- I got hired for this position because they believed I was capable. I went through an intensive interview process. They wouldn’t have hired me if they didn’t think I deserved a spot on the team.
- I’m smart in my own unique way. I’m not strictly a numbers person; I also use intuition and emotional intelligence, skills that have always come naturally to me.
We Create Our Beliefs
What breaking through old self-limiting beliefs is really about, is taking ownership of your life. When things don’t go our way, we often say things like, “I’m not smart enough” or “I’m just not lucky” or “things don’t work out for me”.
By holding onto these beliefs, we’re placing the ownership outside of ourselves. I picture it like we’re throwing our hands up in the air and saying I dunno, that’s just the way things are.
Whatever you believe, you’ll always be able to find the evidence that it’s true. If your belief is “I’m just not lucky” and you step in a puddle on your way to work, you’ll be able to say, “See! I’m just not lucky! This stuff always happens to me.”
If you released that belief, though, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Stepping in that puddle was just something that happened in your day. It’s only when we judge a situation and have a belief about it being good or bad, that it has a hold over us.
So, to bring it full circle, when I get intimidated by the smart people on my team, I can use this same thought process. Just because someone knows more than I do doesn’t mean I’m not smart enough. I don’t need to judge the situation and go into a whole story about how things aren’t going to work out for me.
Instead, I can rewrite the story. I can tell myself, “I am smart enough. I have my own unique strengths and I deserve to be here.”
Amen to that.
If you’ve read all the way to the end, thank you. Thank you for letting me share my heart. And if you’re working through something yourself, I hope this gives you some validation that it’s totally normal to feel insecure. However, we don’t need to let that stop us in our tracks. Instead, we can use it as fuel to make us stronger.
Are you overcoming self-limiting beliefs of your own? Let’s talk!
With love,
Alissa
P.S. If you want to learn more about limiting beliefs from an expert, listen to this episode of the Broken Brain podcast with Shelly Lefkoe! It’s one of my favorite podcast episodes of all time; I’ve literally listened to it like four times.
