Shadow Selves: Recognizing Your Dark Traits & How to Use Them for Good

I’ve always felt like I was two different people. Soft-hearted yet aggressive. Analytical yet creative. Forgiving yet judgmental. I’ve always blamed this on being a Gemini. If you’re not into astrology; Geminis are the sign of the twins and are known for having dual personalities. I say this half jokingly because I know we all have good and bad sides to us.

Growing up in my family, I was definitely the difficult child. For as much as my little brother was chill and easygoing; I was high-strung and temperamental. I caused a lot of disruption and could be quite a hot-head. Once, in a fit of anger, I broke our microwave from slamming it too hard. After which, my parents swiftly took away my allowance for months to pay for it.

The reason that aggressive side of me is so surprising is because it always felt out of character to who I am in the rest of my life. I’ve always been told: “you’re so nice!”, “you’re so patient!”, “I can’t ever see you getting mad!”. I always felt like dang, am I good at putting on a front? But that nice version of me is very much me. It’s innate and natural. I care deeply about people, I love to help. I try to be a good person.

So, of course, I try to push down the aggressive, controlling, high-strung part of me because I’ve learned it only causes me issues (fights, broken microwaves…). I lead with my sweet and caring side. But, if I’m not on guard; if I’m triggered; if I get overwhelmed, that “bad” side of me will seep out and I’ll act in a way I later regret. It always leaves me feeling upset with myself for not being able to control it.

But, c’mon, how can we control something that is naturally part of us?

The reasoning behind this paradoxical behavior became crystal clear while reading the book The Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene. In the book, he talks about the Shadow Self; a concept coined by Carl Jung. I’d heard about shadows before; actually watched a documentary about it. But, the way Greene described it finally clicked for me.

Basically, our shadows are the “unsavory” parts of us that we repress. We quickly learn in childhood which parts of us won’t be accepted kindly by others, so we deny them. We hide our shadows because we want to fit into society. We know which traits will get us liked so we lean on those and try to drop the rest. However, those dark traits of ours never leave. They’re itching to make their appearance. And they will.

How can you identify what your shadows are? Ask yourself:

• What kind of behavior comes out when you’re caught off guard and upset?
• How did you act as a child before you molded to fit into society?
• What is the common theme in your dreams?
• What annoys you about other people?

Aside from paying attention to what side of me comes out when I’m upset, noticing what annoys me has been a fast track to recognizing some of my shadows. They appear when someone bugs us because we’re like mirrors; we see in others what we see in ourselves. When you’re annoyed by someone it’s often because they have a behavior that you share and don’t like about yourself.

For example, I find myself getting irritated by people who are pushy and always need to get their way. It gives me a visceral reaction, STILL. Like chill out, you spaz! Well, when I take a deeper look, I realize that bothers me because I’m the same way. I have an aggressive, pushy side to me where I have this incessant need to get my way. This totally annoys me about myself, but it’s there. I can’t deny it.

Why is it important to know what your shadows are?

It’s important because once you’re aware of them, you can learn how to use them to your advantage. They’re a part of you, so by actually accepting them, you’re understanding yourself as a whole. If you’re only recognizing and accepting your good traits, those bad ones will undeniably come out at the worst times. Like I’ve said, they’re part of you. You can’t ignore them but you can work with them.

How can you use your shadows to your advantage?

Personally, I use my aggression to do well in my career. I’ve always had this burning drive that propels me forward. When used in conjunction with my softer side, I feel like I’m firing on all cylinders. The aggressive side drives me to pursue my goals; to ask for what I want; to work hard. The empathetic side drives my desire to connect; to help and support others. Experiencing and appreciating all sides of ourselves not only helps us to be more successful; it breeds radical self-acceptance.

In the course of our lives we inevitably meet people who appear to be especially comfortable with themselves. They display certain traits that help give this impression: they are able to laugh at themselves; they can admit to certain shortcomings in their character, as well as mistakes they have made; they have a playful, sometimes impish edge to them, as if they have retained more of the child within; they can play their role in life with a little bit of distance… What such people signal to us is a greater authenticity.

Robert Greene, The Laws of Human Nature (New York: Viking, 2018), 254.

None of us are all good or all bad. We’re everything. We have a whole world of complexity inside of us. It’s amazing, unique, and begging to be explored. Once you start to discover and examine your shadows, you’ll gain a new appreciation and love for yourself. By understanding yourself as a whole, you’re able to tap into all sides of you and be the most powerful version of yourself.

What are your thoughts on this? Have you done any shadow work?

With love,

Alissa