AlissaGosh, you’re needy. I mumbled to myself as I clicked the phone room door shut.
Shonda Rhimes once said, “If I’m winning at one thing, I’m failing at another.” I’d felt so validated when I first read that quote. It was like a permission slip to be imperfect. A reminder that no one can ever be fully balanced in every part of their life. Confirmation that you simply cannot be good at everything, at all times.
But here I was, getting ready to meditate in a phone room at work because I was trying to do everything perfectly, again. My stomach had been on fire all morning and I had a bleeding scab on my arm from anxiously itching, again.
You’re so ridiculous, Alissa. Who does this? I thought to myself. Okay, no, be nice. It’s okay.
I sat down at the desk and breathed in deeply. I pressed play on one of Gabby Bernstein’s four minute meditations that promised a feeling of calm centeredness. I needed anything I could get. “I am breathing in. I am breathing out,” Gabby repeated in the recording.
After 3 minutes and 44 seconds, I felt better. My stomach still hurt, but I wasn’t feeling so wild anymore. As I drank a cup of chamomile tea, I pondered why I always found myself in this high-strung, perfectionist state.
What are your perfectionist tendencies?
Many of us proudly proclaim, “I’m a perfectionist!” as if it’s sign that we’re more dedicated and hardworking than your average Joe. It’s often worn like a badge of honor in the same way we wear “I’m so busy.”
Perfectionist tendencies manifest differently for everyone so if you identify as a perfectionist, you know your unique flavor.
For example, some people love keeping things neat and tidy. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with that. But, it reaches a perfectionist level when they nearly have a panic attack from a dirt track on their carpet or a smudge on their freshly cleaned window.
Other people have a deep commitment to their personal health and fitness. That’s a great commitment to have, for sure. But it reaches an unhealthy, perfectionist state when they punish themselves for eating carbs or missing a work out.
I get thrown into my perfectionism when it comes to self-improvement. I’ve binged on so many self-help books and podcasts, I could practically recite the steps to being an “optimal” human being like I can recite the alphabet.
In a nutshell, I get obsessed with try to be my best self, but it gets to an unhealthy place when I don’t give myself breaks. If I’m always challenging myself to be a great fiance, star employee, successful writer, while eating healthy, working out four days a week, and getting eight hours of sleep per night… I’m going to burn out. And I do.
“If I’m winning at one thing, I’m failing at another,” remember?
We may be coming from a good place, but when we’re giving ourselves panic attacks, skin rashes, and stomach ulcers over these things we care about, something’s gotta give. I’ve realized that underneath these perfectionist tendencies often lies pain.
There’s always a reason we think we need to be perfect.
After my four-minute meditation quickie, I sipped chamomile tea at my desk. I was trying to stay zen before I had to present in a meeting that afternoon.
As I looked down at the scabs on my arms, I felt a tinge of sadness. Why do I always push myself so hard? Why do I always do this to myself? I wondered.
The answer popped into my head quickly because deep down, I already knew. Worthiness. I know that I try to be perfect because I only feel good enough and worth people’s time if I’m at my “best”. It’s not a conscious thought I have, but I know it’s what’s driving this behavior.
For example, I want to be successful in my career because having that success makes me feel more valuable. This stems from wanting to make my parents proud. Growing up, I always compared myself to my smart younger brother. My parents treated us equally, but I always wished I was more like him.
As a result, I have this desire to prove my own worthiness. Since my dad has always been successful in his career, I think showing him that I can do the same has become a big driver for me. If I’m really successful in my career, I’ll be as good as my brother, right?
This is just one example. For each of my perfectionist tendencies, there’s a deep-seated reason as to why it’s there. I share this because I hope it’ll spark you to take a look at your own perfectionist tendencies, too. There’s always a reason and I find that it often comes down to worthiness.
Are you obsessed with being in shape because you feel more valuable if you’re thin? Do you bend over backwards for your partner because you’re afraid he won’t think you’re good enough if you don’t? Are you always overworking yourself because deep down you think you need to prove you’re smart enough?
Some of these reasons may feel ridiculous at first. What? No, I don’t feel that way. Do I? But the root cause of our perfectionism stems from subconscious beliefs we formed at a very young age. In a logical sense, we know they’re totally unreasonable, but we hold onto them just the same.
Question your perfectionism.
My suggestion? Don’t take your perfectionism at face value, especially if it’s causing pain in your life. Self-inquiry is a powerful tool. Ask yourself what might be causing your perfectionism. Take your journal out and write about it. Read this article to learn how to reprogram your subconscious beliefs.
As you begin to understand what’s going on below the surface to drive your behavior, you’ll be able to take more ownership over your actions. It’ll become less of “This is just the way I am,” and more of, “This doesn’t feel good and I want to take better care of myself.”
Slowly but surely, I’m becoming more clear about what subconscious beliefs are driving my perfectionist tendencies. Having this clarity helps me actually stop and notice when I’m getting out of control. Lately I’ve been repeating to myself, “I am worthy with or without my achievements.” It actually helps.
As with anything, the more we repeat it, the more we believe it. Let’s tell ourselves more stories that make us feel good.
With love,
Alissa
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