Alissa“When we love another, we face our shit. We face our limitations. We see where we lack skills. We see how bad our communication can be. We feel our reactivity and our sense of unworthiness. When we turn towards love, towards a human who sees our light and wants to love us deeply, we experience what it means to face a feeling we have not felt worthy of for some time… if not our whole lives. To love is easy. To be loved requires the belief we’re worthy of it… and the only way to feel worthy is to allow yourself to be.”
Mark Groves (@createthelove)
When I met Matt, I got this feeling right away that we’d known each other before.
It wasn’t like, “Oh, I swear I’ve met that guy before!”. I knew we’d never physically met, but it was like our souls knew each other or something. Was that even a thing?
All I knew was, as we ate poutine and pretzel bites on that first date, this strange guy felt like home to me.
After our first date, there was no turning back. I knew I’d never meet anyone else like him. There was no one better for me. He was the one. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t scared. In fact, it made me more scared. This is it. I can’t mess it up.
I was terrified of messing it up. My last relationship had been rough; I knew I was a bit damaged from it. And Matt just seemed so wonderful. I was convinced I wasn’t worthy of him; that it was too good to be true.
As time went by, we inevitably learned that neither of us were perfect. Through ups and downs, annoyances, hurdles we’ve overcome, I realized we were both in it for the long haul. I began to believe I really was worthy of him. I realized he was pretty dang lucky to have me, too.
True love. What I’ve discovered about it is that it’s fully supportive. In past relationships, I’d always been so focused on “fixing” my partner; so focused on the latest drama or fight, there was barely room to think about anything else.
In my relationship with Matt, I feel safe. Because we know we can rely on each other, it allows us the space to simply be ourselves. I picture our relationship as the two of us looking outward at the world together, hand in hand, supporting each other in both our separate and shared dreams.
To me, this connection we share can only be described as soulmates.
Soulmates (my definition!)
Divinely connected individuals who were perfectly created to help one another evolve into the truest, fullest expression of themselves. Soulmates shine a mirror back at you to help you see the parts of you that still need healing. They believe in your fullest potential even when you don’t see it. Soulmates are on the same wavelength; you just get each other, you have a deep mutual respect for one another.
The sum of you together is greater than apart. Your connection creates a magic energy that only exists because of the two of you.
For the record, I don’t think soulmates exist only in the form of romantic relationships. I believe you may have multiple soulmates in your lifetime. And I don’t think you have to be in a relationship with your soulmate, either. I think a best friend can also be a soulmate, while your romantic relationship is this amazing, supportive partnership that truly is meant for you.
What’s your definition of a soulmate? Do you believe in them?
**As a disclaimer, this post is a result of my personal musings; experiences that are true for me. It might be totally different for you, and that’s perfect! I don’t think any of this is black or white.
Shining a Mirror For Each Other
Soulmates help you heal, which means sometimes, they give you tough love.
I’m a bit of a softy. Emotional, empathetic, and at times, easily shaken up.
I’ve written plenty about my sensitivity and it’s a part of me I’ve grown to love. But, I’ve also learned that if it’s catered to too much, it actually does me a disservice. Being babied only encourages me to stay in a state of wallowing instead of finding strength.
Matt is my opposite. While he has a kind heart, he’s also level-headed and straight forward.
So, the other week, I came home from a long day at work and was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was bummed out and feeling negative. I knew I was bringing a bad vibe with me but I didn’t care.
I knew better. That same week, I’d listened to a podcast talking about being a thermostat vs. being a thermometer. Meaning, choosing the energy you want to bring to a room instead of letting yourself be dictated by everyone else’s energy. I’m guilty of letting myself be dragged down by other people and it was something I wanted to work on.
Despite that knowledge, I came to Matt in a sour mood and unloaded my day to him. The frustrations, worries, and fears that had accumulated. He listened, then gave me a straight forward, realistic response as many men do. That problem-solving response, when sometimes we just want to vent!
My frustration grew. Really? Here’s this person who’s supposed to be here for me through thick and thin and he doesn’t even understand how this is affecting me emotionally!
As I do, I let him have a piece of my mind. I wanted him to be on my team. I wanted him to agree with me. Why doesn’t he understand how I feel?
Tough Love
His response was this, “Alissa. I know how to see the facts and give straight forward answers. If you want me to be a therapist, I’m not that. Maybe your friends are able to give you the response you want but I’m always here to listen and be there for you in the way I know how.”
I softened a little bit.
“Sometimes I have bad days,” he said, “but you have to make a conscious decision about how it’s going to affect you. You don’t have to let one thing ruin your day and bring that into the rest of your life.”
Bam. The tough love I needed. I try to practice this, but then I forget. Without Matt knowing, he related back to the podcast I’d listened to earlier that week.
A soulmate helps you become the person you want to be. They don’t try to change you or dim your light; they see where you can be more whole and nudge you in that direction. The type of person I want to be is someone who honors and appreciates her sensitive nature; who isn’t at the mercy of it, but instead knows how to use it as a strength.
Creating a Special Magic Together
A couple weekends ago, Matt and I went to our neighborhood hootenanny which is like a country party with folk music and an open mic.
We had solo cups filled with wine that sloshed around as we danced. Our neighbors wore Carhartt and bib overalls and cowboy hats. A bluegrass band played old favorites for the crowd. The lead singer of the band is a reserve firefighter with Matt.
Does it get more wholesome than that?
Honestly, we were on cloud nine. We kept looking over at each other and smiling, “We live in the BEST place!”
To us, it’s perfect. The life we’ve built here together feels like a genuine creation of the two of us. Our little country community has become a place for us to plant our roots and unfold into who we truly are, as individuals and a couple.
When I first met Matt, he told me he wanted to be fully self-sufficient one day and just live off the land. At the time we met, he lived next to the beach. I couldn’t picture it. However, since living in the canyon, he’s gotten super into gardening. He’s got this vegetable garden that he treats like a farmer would his crops. Now he’s reading books about eggs and is dead set on getting chickens.
To see the person you love, moving in the direction of doing something they’ve always wanted to do? It’s the best thing.
Since living here, I’ve started to write again. I like spending Sunday afternoons in my teepee, writing while I listen to the sounds of nature. Living here makes me feel so at peace. It reminds me of Minnesota with the warm, genuine people. The spaciousness. The simplicity. It’s my piece of the Midwest in Southern California.
As a Minnesota girl, I never imagined I’d meet a guy in Southern California who’d appreciate country music and camouflage and genuine hard work. And if I did meet a guy like that, I didn’t think he’d support my airy fairy way of being in the world – my love for writing, reading, and spirituality.
When I say your soulmate allows you to be your truest, fullest self — this is what I mean. Seeing your partner’s unique interests and not only encouraging them to pursue those interests, but celebrating them along the way.
It Should Feel Good
I know, I know. Some of you might be rolling your eyes (if you made it this far). This whole thing might be coming off too fairy tale-ish.
So, with that being said, trust that I’m sharing the good stuff. Trust that there are days where we just can’t seem to get along or see eye to eye. Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em. Am I right?
But, despite the tough seasons, for the most part, being together should feel good. It’s a true partnership; your equal; someone you respect and care for on a deep level. Someone you’re not going to give up on because life just wouldn’t be right without them.
Taking the chance to love and be loved, is scary. Love is not a simple, straight road. There are inevitable bends and potholes and U-turns. But, with the right person, it’s the most beautiful journey.
With love,
Alissa
P.S. – If you’re interested in reading my other blog posts about relationships, check out the links below!
True Love Means Making Each Other Feel Seen
Know Your Worth. My Journey to End a Cycle of Toxic Relationships.
